I just read this beautiful blog post by the AMAZING Bunmi Laditan. It holds nostalgic wishes of a mom who struggles with raising kids in a society where one can often feel there are more judging eyes than empathetic ones. Where the war between stay at home moms and working moms is bubbling under the surface. Where every parenting choice, even the small ones, becomes some sort of statement about what kind of parent you are and whose side you are on. Where pintrest is making us feel like failures, and every holiday from christmas to hundred days to preschool graduation needs to be marked and celebrated in some elaborate fashion and includes some sort of costume or goody bag or more. Bunmi dreams of a community of moms working together make it through the day to day. To lift each other up and to support one another. It is a beautiful picture of days gone by.
I read it and I feel empowered. I feel empowered because I know the village is there. Because when you get right down to the heart and soul of it, women are still women. We love our children. We love to laugh. We tend to be caregivers by nature. We each have out own unique talents and abilities. And we can surround ourselves with women who lift each other up. We can insist on it. We get to make those choices. The village is there, you have but to open your heart, pull down your wall, and let in the other moms out there seeking the same. I don't miss the village, I live in it.
I have never been super comfortable making friends. I am not shy, I can talk to anyone anywhere, but to shift from casual conversations to deep friendships was a move I have never been comfortable with. I would tend to wait for people to call me on the phone or invite me to places. It would take long time for me to realize how much my friends truly cared for me. Then, with the rising popularity of texting, facebooking and all form of electronic living, it became more and more easy to never truly talk with anyone. You can connect to your smart phone and disconnect from the world. (Remember the movie The Net?) In addition, my choice to be a stay at home mom had potential to further the option to shut down from real life people. I would not have to leave the house. I realized, I need to make an effort. I made a calculated effort to step out of my comfort zone and make friends. I went to mom groups, and story times for babies, and went to parks and chatted with fellow moms. Anytime an activity or play date or lunch was suggested I said "I'm in!" I met moms. I met the mom friends of my new mom friends. I see them everywhere, these mom I have meet. At the park, at the grocery store, at the library, at the mall and of course on facebook too. I have called on them for advice, for support, for ideas, for help. I have made them dinners, I have watched their kids, and we have laughed and loved and leaned on one another. They are my village. We are only beginning to get good at asking for help and offering help. But we are trying. These women who I did not know 3 years ago. I love them and I love their children. I know I can count on them for a recipe for dinner on any given night, for help finding a park in my area or to help me out with child care in a jam. These are women who breastfeed, formula feed, cloth diaper, eat clean, work or stay home. They are moms who let their kids watch tv and moms who hold firm to the no screen time before two rule. They are all different.
Here is what I learned. We are not the problem. We are not judging each other. We can't, we are too busy judging ourselves and worrying that we are failing. Sure there are some women out there who think they are doing certain things better than the mom next to them (of course those ladies were there in days gone by too.) The judgement is being passed down by the media trying to sell advertising time by telling news that inflames us. The judgment comes from parenting books and magazines who sell more if they polarize the subject rather than acknowledge different children and different parents need to find their own unique techniques. I think above all the judgment comes from ourselves.
We have this fear of making the wrong choices. The fear breeds insecurity. Those insecurities cause us to imagine terrible things about the mom across from us who is doing something differently. She is having success where we are failing, she must think I am a failure. She is cloth diapering she must think I am lazy. She is using disposables, she must think I am a hippie. She is afraid her son will put a dirty toy in his mouth, what would she think of me if she knew my son ate a nugget he found on the floor of the mall play area. Here is the secret. She is not thinking those things. We are seeing our own insecurities. If you get to thinking women are judging you, remind yourself, you are doing the best you can for your little miracle. Your miracle is different than her miracle. They will develop differently and respond to things differently. You will make big mistakes, but you will have glorious successes too. Be humble and be proud. Be confident. It will set a good example for your kids, and it will show the world that you are doing the best for your kids. If you think about it tell that mom across from you that she is doing a great job. Focus on her strengths, and listen carefully for times she is asking for help or advice. Sometimes it is subtle. When you give advice, try to frame it with what worked or didn't work for us was... In time, you will find the village too.
Remember, we are as different as our children. You do not have to do every amazing craft on pintrest or bake a seven layered rainbow cake if that is not what you enjoy. Your party decorations can be handmade or store bought. You may choose not to participate in the 100 days celebration. The key is to do the things that bring you and your kids joy. Celebrate the things other people do to bring themselves and their kids joy. You do not have to do all of them. You may be a rock star about reading to you kids, they may have taught their kids a cool craft. It is a good thing because it is how the world gets filled with so many different and amazing and interesting people. If you realize this. You will find your village.
We choose. We can help, love and support each other. Talk to the mom with the shy smile across the park. Get out there and find your village, don't just dream about.
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